3 months later UPDATE!

Where to start??
I just read my last two blogs posts which I regret because I am now sitting here blubbering and sniffling like a fool. Man, I miss BG. Its been a long, slow process of working through all the emotions of being back in the US. I guess I will just start from the beginning of when I got home and show what my last 3 months have been like. I will warn you this post might be a little random and all over the place.

I got home a day later than planned with my dad because we got stuck in DC in a snow storm. Thankfully, my dad is super smart and figured out the train would get us home faster than the next flight out would. Sooooo through a series of stressful and "are you kidding me?" type events, we made it home! My sister from college came home and my siblings skipped school to wait for me. So sweet! Though I was sad I wasn't going to be able to see everyone in the airport, looking back I realize now that it was a blessing. I was able to spend some quality time with my family and catch up with them before I saw everyone else.

The first couple weeks were like a dream. I don't really remember much of it. I will say that the first couple weeks I pretty much blocked out thinking about Lesotho, BG, or even the kids. My heart would just ache every time I was reminded of them for even a second, so my instinct was to block it out all together. I knew I would eventually have to go through pictures and talk about my experience because I had multiple presentations coming up. Going through my pictures and journals was a very emotional experience that I just had to buckle down and get over with. It was just pained me so greatly to have to look at 2D pictures of children that I loved so much and were a part of my life for so long and knowing I probably won't see a lot of them again. I can't explain it, it just hurt. I grew a lot through that process. I learned to take time out to pray for the kids instead of feeling sad that they are no longer a part of my life.

 As all this was happening I was trying to figure out my place at home again. When I was in Lesotho, I felt like I was taking great strides towards becoming the woman God created me to be, and I was so excited about it. Then, when I got home I felt like I quickly jumped back into my old self because it seemed everyone expected me to be my old self. It was confusing because on the inside I didn't feel like my old self. I kind of felt trapped. Does that make any sense at all??? Probably not, oh well. Bear with me.

.At the beginning of April I started a  new job at an assisted living nursing home.  My mom also works there. I absolutely love my job and I am so thankful for it. I love getting to know the residents and being able to help them. On days where I am missing Lesotho and kind of down, it is so great to be able to go to a Christian workplace where the residents can always make me smile.

I am also getting really excited to start at Moody this fall. As I talk to more people about it and learn more about my major, I am so sure that this is where the Lord wants me this fall. I am excited to be in the city and excited to see what God has in store for me there.

I don't feel like I have fully transitioned from being in Lesotho. It is just a long process. There are some really great days where I am confident that I am doing what God wants me to be doing. There are other days where I am looking up plane tickets to go back to Lesotho. I also realized I don't talk about my experiences a lot. When I do share a funny story or an experience I am always a bit bummed when I finish, because no matter how good of a story teller I try to be, its nothing like actually being there and experiencing it for yourself. I am also very protective of certain memories and experiences. There are many things that I don't like to just tell any person because they were so life changing and precious to me and I feel like most people wouldn't understand it. Maybe that is wrong of me for thinking that. Maybe someday I will feel comfortable sharing more.

The biggest thing I have been praying about lately is figuring out a balance of remembering and learning from the past while I focus on today and prepare for the future. If any of ya'll have some wisdom for me, I would love to hear it. :)

Well I could go on forever about the highs and lows of the past 3 months but that would get long. I am going to try to update maybe once more time before I leave for Moody and then maybe I will get on a monthly or bi-monthly schedule at Moody.

PEACE AND LOVE BROTHERS AND SISTERS!
OUR SAVIOR LIVES!!

I'm coming home.

Well here I am. Sitting in the Johannasburg airport waiting for my next flight. So many emotions and so many thoughts running through my head right now. Only a couple hours ago I said goodbye to my Lesotho family. And tomorrow I will get to see my family and friends after 8 months of being away. Flying out of Lesotho I kept thinking to myself, "I just don't know how this could be goodbye." A "see ya later" I can deal with. Its the goodbyes that stink. Its the "I don't know when I am coming back" that kills me. So for this final Lesotho blog post I am going to write a few letters to help me say goodbye.

Dear Lesotho, You are the most beautiful country I have ever seen. I love how so much of your land is untouched and untouristed (is that a word? ehhh we will go with it). Though you are small your culture is so rich. Your people are hospitable and always so joyful. Though your random speed bumps can be rather annoying and most of your people are crazy drivers, you always have an adventure in store. Thank you for welcoming me with open arms. I can't wait for the next time I get to walk on your soil. Kealeboha!  -Ausi Paige

Dear Beautiful Gate children, Seeing your reaction when you were told I was leaving today ripped me heart to shreds. Its  a good thing my dad was here to drag me out because I would've done anything to spend just a few more days playing, singing, and laughing with you. Thank you for keeping me young and teaching me to find joy in the tiny things. I will miss being called "Ausi Paige." I will miss walking into my house every morning and being smothered my your hugs. I will miss walking some of you to school and trying my best to stop you from eating the cat food. I will miss your beautiful faces. Keep singing and praising our Lord!   -Ausi Paige

Dear Geurink family, The things I see you doing for Beautiful Gate blow me away. You are so passionate about the work you are doing that which is contagious to us, volunteers. Thank you for making me your adoptive daughter/sister. I will miss Chuck nights, Carmel popcorn, Euchre, Redneck life, driving on closed roads (maybe), going to church with you, ball tag, and Anita's cole slaw.....but mostly just Anita's Cole slaw. :) haha. I pray that the Lord continues to work through you and gives you the patience and strength you need to finish your work there. I look forward to seeing you this summer!   -Ausi Paige

Dear current and former housemates, Thanks for putting up with this emotional 18 year old. I enjoyed your company and your encouragement. Even though at times we struggled with the shower or struggled to fit all of our food in fridge, we always seemed to make a good time out of it. I pray that wherever you are or end up the Lord blesses you and you would never forget Lesostho.   -Ausi Paige

Dear Beautiful Gate staff, You amaze me. Everyday I couldn't help but smile when I heard you singing around the houses and interacting with the kids. The Lord has blessed BG with so many people who are very passionate about their work. You have taught me many things, like how to take care of 60 kids, how to rejoice in every situation, and you even taught me some Basotho songs and dances. You became my family or the 8 months. It was so hard to say goodbye to you, but I know I will be back. Keep up the amazing work and you will forever be in my prayers. God bless you!   -Ausi Paige

Dear cats of Beautiful Gate, I never actually learned how to tell you all apart. I am home with my dog now and I think I almost prefer her over you 4. No offense. It would be great if you could stop climbing through windows and eating people's freshly made food because that is just rude. Take care of Faith and Mercy for me :)  -Ausi Paige

Dear Appletiser, WHY AREN'T YOU IN AMERICA? I AM GOING THROUGH WITHDRAW!   -Ausi Paige

Dear Terp, Keep it trill. You can do it. Its not impossible, you just need to stay focused.   -Ausi Paige

Dear Readers, Thank you for taking this journey with me. Your kind words and e-mails encouraged me so much. If I ever go back to BG I will keep posting on this same blog. I am also going to try to post once in a while even after I am back just to keep everyone updated of what the Lord is doing in my life and such. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!    -Ausi Paige

Dear God, Let YOUR name be praised! In my going and now my coming home. Let people see YOUR power and YOUR love as I share stories and experiences. You deserve every ounce of the glory and I ask you would help me stay humble and give all the glory to you. God, I get weak when think about all the amazing people you let me meet and all the amazing experiences you let me have. I am so unworthy. But I am thankful. Use me here, Lord. Give me the words to speak that would put a smile on your face. Your daughter loves you and trusts you. Thank you, Jesus.   -Ausi Paige

this day.

This day. No words to express its full beauty, but I will try to give you a little glimpse.

It started in a sunflower field. Literally. Prancing and dancing and snapping photos through a sunflower field on the side of the road in South Africa. Goofing around with the Geurink kids and trying to find THE perfect sunflower. I decided when I go home I am just going to dig up my whole backyard and fill it with sunflowers. I am sure the rents will be all for that. :)

Only a few minutes later I was sipping a cold homemade berry juice. A cool breeze on my arms and two women I love sitting on either side of me. Chatting, sipping, laughing. A final Living Life trip that was absolutely perfect.

Back at Beautiful Gate we had a goodbye ceremony for, my friend, Jenny. 5 times she has been to Lesotho now. I hope to be able say the same thing one day. Tears shed, scripture read, and cake was fed. Not looking forward to saying goodbye to my English friend tomorrow, but also happy to know she will be back.

After the ceremony we find out there is a police officer in the office. This officer fetched a child out of a latrine and brought her to Beautiful Gate. He happened to remember it was her birthday today. Him and his wife brought her 2 dresses and a doll as a gift. You would have thought it was their own child. "She is getting so big and she looks so healthy, she must be getting enough food", says the man with a smile on his face. Its the best feeling in the world knowing our children are loved and not just by our staff and volunteers.

Fools. Us Americans, made ourselves look like fools. Bryan realized he had Jenny's camera and we couldn't resist leaving a few surprise photos for her. Running around campus, seeing how many strange faces we can make, and laughing like there is no tomorrow. Seeing Jenny's reaction later that night was priceless.

(why do I make faces like this???)

Throwing kids around during play group. That always seems to be a highlight. Hearing the kids yell, "Ausi Paige!!" as they run up to greet me. Its not a normal afternoon at play group unless I have at least 5 kids crawling all over me. One is doing my hair, one is pinching my nose, one is showing me a trick, another just wants a cuddle. And I just love it.

Healing rain. The sun was still out yet the rain was pouring. Giving us a much needed chill after an extremely hot day. Dancing (literally) through the rain like its been years since the last down pour. Some BG kids join the fun and we even drag a house mother out too. Running, laughing, and screaming with the kids. Those moments were priceless. It was one of those times where I just wanted to freeze time.

"Holy Uncreated One..." A time of worship with the guitar and my gifted roomie, Terp. Watching the sunset, praising our Lord. He is the one who brought us all together. He is the one who brought us here.

Thank you Jesus for this unforgettable day.

peace and love.

you give and take away.

As I see the three caskets lowered into the ground there is one thing running through my head.....These caskets are too small. As I watch the Bo'Ntate bury the caskets I lift my eyes to the sky and thank Jesus for preparing a place for them with Him in heaven. The ceremony was beautiful. The hundreds of birds flying overhead were majestic. And, the Lord was present. There are not many more words to describe this morning.

After a morning of tears, we were able to rejoice when 2 new children were brought to BG. Seeing the house mothers meeting the new children for the first time is priceless. Its like they are seeing their own child that they haven't seen in a long time.

"You give and take away, you give and take away, my heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be your name!"

just a quick thought for now.

peace and love.

thank you Jesus!

Here are a few events of the past week:

-Celebrating Faith's birthday at Templhof with lion cubs

-Riding in the back of a truck with 3 dead pigs

-My parents meeting "my boy" via skype 

-3 hospital runs

I guess I don't really feel like expanding on any of those things so I will just share with you what has been on my heart. 

Thankfulness.

My heart is overflowing with thankfulness. I am so incredibly thankful for this amazing opportunity. I am thankful for Beautiful Gate and the passion of the people here. I am thankful for the house mothers and how they have become like my own mothers. I am thankful for all the other volunteers that I have been able to meet. I am thankful for every single one of the kids here and all of their adorable little personalities. I am thankful for all the adoptive parents I have had the privilege of meeting. I am thankful for the joy of the Lord that is contagious on this campus.

 Sometimes I think....why me? There are so many more people that I know that would be better at this kind of thing. I guess I just feel unworthy sometimes. Going through all my pictures and seeing all the amazing experiences I have had is overwhelming. I have had the chance to do things many people won't ever get the chance to do. I have had the chance to meet people that have changed my life. When I think about that, I come back to thankfulness. The Lord deserves all the praise and the glory! Here is a verse that I have fallen in love with recently:

"Therefore since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our "God is a consuming fire.""

-Hebrews 12:28-29

I just realized I never told you guys something. My dad is coming to visit me! I know, I am super excited. He is doing in work trip in South Africa for a week and then he is coming to visit me for a few days. He is arriving here on March 1 and we will fly home together on the 5th. I am so excited to be able to show someone I love Beautiful Gate and be able to get a glimpse into what my life was like for the past 8 months. Please keep him in your prayers as it will be his first time in Africa and first time driving on the wrong side of the road. 

Here are a few pictures from the week:

sweeeeeet. the car doesn't feel like working today

look a tortoise!

me and my roomie.....and a lion

my house mother

Mercy! Watch out for that cactus! 

going for a hike

riding in the back of the truck with 3 dead pigs

hey terp!

Jenny sitting on the pigs

yum

its like they knew it was Valentines Day!

Jenny and I

peace and love.

watch this!

Here is a link to a video of me and Terp teaching our staff the "tap the cup" trick. Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TRT3hPIVe4c

take time to be holy.

Okay blog, I have a confession. I have been avoiding you. It has been a very tough week at BG and if you follow any of the other BG volunteer's blogs you probably already know the whole situation. I am not quite sure what to say about the whole thing so bear with me through this blog post.  Soooo, I guess I will start with the facts. 3 Beautiful Gate children went to be with Jesus between Friday and Monday. They were all under a year old and they all passed for different reasons. I have only been to 2 funerals before that I remember and they were both when I was very young. So, it has been a while since I have had someone close to me pass away. It took a couple days for it all to sink in for me, but going in the houses this week and not seeing their faces makes it all too real. It is also strange to think that the last death BG had was in the middle of 2011 and now all of the sudden there is 3 in a row. The staff are hurting, but it is encouraging to still see the smiles on their faces through everything. The Lord is still good and it is in HIM that we place our trust. On Saturday morning, the day after the first child passed away, a few of us volunteers went to the hospital to visit the 3 children in the hospital. We were going to encourage our staff there and to pray over the kids. That morning I woke up that morning really struggling emotionally with everything that was going on while also being anxious about going home in a month. As we were walking through the halls of the hospital we were stopped by a man behind us who asked us why we were at the hospital and if we were Christians. We told him we were Christians and we were visiting a few of the orphans from Beautiful Gate. He all the sudden said, "Oh, you are doing such good things, let us sing a song for you!" He then picked a song and turn to his daughter to give her the starting pitch. They sang the song in perfect harmony and it brought me to tears. Here is the song they sang to us:

Take time to be holy, speak oft with thy Lord;

Abide in Him always, and feed on His Word.

Make friends of God’s children, help those who are weak,

Forgetting in nothing His blessing to seek.

Take time to be holy, the world rushes on;

Spend much time in secret, with Jesus alone.

By looking to Jesus, like Him thou shalt be;

Thy friends in thy conduct His likeness shall see.

I walked away from that moment in awe of the Lord's presence in such an unlikely place. I kept thinking to myself, "God knows, God knew I needed that encouragement this morning." My attitude and feelings towards that day completely changed. Instead of having a mind full of anxieties and doubts, my mind sang, "Thank You Jesus, Thank You Jesus!"

"But I will sing about Your strength.

In the morning I will sing about Your love.

You are my defender, my place of safety in times of trouble"

-Psalm 59:16

I am filled with so many emotions going into my last month at BG. I am thankful that the Lord called me here and I got to meet so many amazing people and children. I am curious to see what the future holds. I am sad that I have to say goodbye to my children and friends. I am excited to see my family again. I am missing the children that recently went to be with Jesus. I am hopeful that I would be able to return to BG one day.

Please keep BG in your prayers as we have the funerals next week for the children who passed away. Thank you so much!

peace and love.