21

Today I turn 21 years old. I spent my morning thanking and praising the Lord for the many blessings have has given me over my 21 years. I specifically thanked Him for my health, the God-fearing family he placed me in, and the many opportunities he has provided for me to learn and grow. My morning proceeded as usual...heading to campus, feeding the kids, washing dishes, doing laundry. Then, the social worker came and found me and asked if I would go with her to pick up two siblings about an hour outside of town to bring them back to BG. I quickly agreed and me and another volunteer left with her. On the way, we learned that the children's mother had recently passed away and their father went to work everyday and did not have someone to watch the kids while he was at work. An hour later we were at this very small home in a tiny village in the mountains watching this father say goodbye to his two small children. The kids were dirty and smelly but you could tell they were well fed and well loved. After our social worker talked with the father for a while, he walked his children to the car and handed me his 1 year old and the 4 year old to the other volunteer. That moment of seeing the confusion and fear in his children's eyes as he walked away will be a picture that is forever engraved in my memory. The 1 year old cried a bit as we drove away, but fell asleep only a few minutes down the road. I just looked down at him most of the ride home stroking his face.

Why God? This just feels so wrong. Why would you want to tear apart this family? This morning I was praising and thanking you for the blessing of a family you have given me...why would you not bless these children with that too? Why me, but not them? How can this possibly be the best thing for them? They should be at home with their father who loves them. 

And still as I write this I have confusion and hurt in my heart. My understanding, emotions, and faith were stretched today. I am thankful I can rest in the fact that God is all-knowing and I am not and I don't have to be.

Great is our Lord, and abundant in power; his understanding is beyond measure. -Psalm 147:5

peace and blessings

Ausi Paige

Old and New.

WOW! What a week it has been! I finally feel settled and mostly adjusted to the time change. I think I am about half way there with learning the names of the 60 children. I no longer ask what the weather is going to be like the next day because nobody cares and nobody knows. It simply is cold in the morning and warm when the sun comes up.

This week I have observed a lot of change at Beautiful Gate since I had been here almost 2 and a half hears ago. First, there are so many volunteers! Last time I was here, I was the only volunteer that worked in the houses for most of my time. Now, there is 1 (sometimes 2) volunteers to each of the 5 baby houses. These are mostly young volunteers in college or just out of college. It is strange seeing so many white faces around campus. Next, I notice that there are not as many hospital runs. If you followed me on my last trip, you would know that I would often go to the hospital with a run once or twice a week. Now, one of the clinics sends one of their doctors to us regularly so we do not have to make the trip so often with so many kids. And, the kids are just not sick as often. There is also a whole new building on campus! The Maroon House was built last year to house teams of volunteers that come to BG. This building is beautiful! The most enjoyable change is all of the new children. Though I am not happy to see more faces of children who have either lost their parents or have parents who did not want them, it is good to see that many of the kids that were here last time I was here are gone. They have either been reunited with their family or been adopted, and that is exciting.

Amidst all this change, there is still some things that have been consistent. The staff are mostly all the same and welcomed me so sweetly. When I walked into my assigned baby house, my house mother screamed and hugged me for a good 3 minutes. She does not speak very much English, but she kept saying, "I missed you, ausi! The children missed you, ausi!" The Geurink family, the orphanage directors, are still here and doing incredible work. There are about 7-8 kids that I remember from my last trip. One boy from my house was a baby last time when I left and now he is the one who runs the house and helps with the younger kids! Another girl in my house was one that I spent a lot of time with to try to teach her to walk. She walks now AND goes to school! SOOOO cool and encouraging to see these kids grow up and develop! Last, the Lord is still here and still working so evidently in and through the staff, volunteers, community members, and other missionaries. Even after my first night of being here, I was so humbled and overwhelmed by how my brothers and sisters are trusting the Lord and making HIS name known all around Lesotho.

Things to Pray For:
-My housing situation. I am living with a friend, who is a local, and another volunteer off campus and we may need to move at the end of the month due to circumstances out of our control.
-2 teams coming. Over the next 3-4 weeks we will have two High School teams coming. Pray that they are able to learn from their experience and grow in their knowledge and understanding of the Lord
-Patience....I have 6 wonderful, beautiful, yet mischievous, little boys in my house. Some days, my patience runs thin. I have already had a few "Come to Jesus" moments with a few in particular.
-That I would be able to in some small way show the love of our Heavenly Father to the people I encounter.

Thank you for your prayers and support!

peace and blessings,

Ausi(Miss) Paige

Arrival

Lumela!

I have arrived! Wednesday I arrived safely to Beautiful Gate and was warmly greeted by the Geurink family (the orphanage directors), the staff, the children, and my fellow volunteers. It feels so good to be back! In some ways it feels like I never left and in other ways it feels like I have been gone forever.

All of my flights went very smooth. Thank you to everyone who prayed for me! I am so blessed to have such a consistent and prayerful support system. I will post a  more detailed update later in the week. I just wanted to let everyone know that I am here and I am doing well, though I am still recovering from some jet lag. :)

peace and blessings,

Ausi Paige

3 months later UPDATE!

Where to start??
I just read my last two blogs posts which I regret because I am now sitting here blubbering and sniffling like a fool. Man, I miss BG. Its been a long, slow process of working through all the emotions of being back in the US. I guess I will just start from the beginning of when I got home and show what my last 3 months have been like. I will warn you this post might be a little random and all over the place.

I got home a day later than planned with my dad because we got stuck in DC in a snow storm. Thankfully, my dad is super smart and figured out the train would get us home faster than the next flight out would. Sooooo through a series of stressful and "are you kidding me?" type events, we made it home! My sister from college came home and my siblings skipped school to wait for me. So sweet! Though I was sad I wasn't going to be able to see everyone in the airport, looking back I realize now that it was a blessing. I was able to spend some quality time with my family and catch up with them before I saw everyone else.

The first couple weeks were like a dream. I don't really remember much of it. I will say that the first couple weeks I pretty much blocked out thinking about Lesotho, BG, or even the kids. My heart would just ache every time I was reminded of them for even a second, so my instinct was to block it out all together. I knew I would eventually have to go through pictures and talk about my experience because I had multiple presentations coming up. Going through my pictures and journals was a very emotional experience that I just had to buckle down and get over with. It was just pained me so greatly to have to look at 2D pictures of children that I loved so much and were a part of my life for so long and knowing I probably won't see a lot of them again. I can't explain it, it just hurt. I grew a lot through that process. I learned to take time out to pray for the kids instead of feeling sad that they are no longer a part of my life.

 As all this was happening I was trying to figure out my place at home again. When I was in Lesotho, I felt like I was taking great strides towards becoming the woman God created me to be, and I was so excited about it. Then, when I got home I felt like I quickly jumped back into my old self because it seemed everyone expected me to be my old self. It was confusing because on the inside I didn't feel like my old self. I kind of felt trapped. Does that make any sense at all??? Probably not, oh well. Bear with me.

.At the beginning of April I started a  new job at an assisted living nursing home.  My mom also works there. I absolutely love my job and I am so thankful for it. I love getting to know the residents and being able to help them. On days where I am missing Lesotho and kind of down, it is so great to be able to go to a Christian workplace where the residents can always make me smile.

I am also getting really excited to start at Moody this fall. As I talk to more people about it and learn more about my major, I am so sure that this is where the Lord wants me this fall. I am excited to be in the city and excited to see what God has in store for me there.

I don't feel like I have fully transitioned from being in Lesotho. It is just a long process. There are some really great days where I am confident that I am doing what God wants me to be doing. There are other days where I am looking up plane tickets to go back to Lesotho. I also realized I don't talk about my experiences a lot. When I do share a funny story or an experience I am always a bit bummed when I finish, because no matter how good of a story teller I try to be, its nothing like actually being there and experiencing it for yourself. I am also very protective of certain memories and experiences. There are many things that I don't like to just tell any person because they were so life changing and precious to me and I feel like most people wouldn't understand it. Maybe that is wrong of me for thinking that. Maybe someday I will feel comfortable sharing more.

The biggest thing I have been praying about lately is figuring out a balance of remembering and learning from the past while I focus on today and prepare for the future. If any of ya'll have some wisdom for me, I would love to hear it. :)

Well I could go on forever about the highs and lows of the past 3 months but that would get long. I am going to try to update maybe once more time before I leave for Moody and then maybe I will get on a monthly or bi-monthly schedule at Moody.

PEACE AND LOVE BROTHERS AND SISTERS!
OUR SAVIOR LIVES!!

I'm coming home.

Well here I am. Sitting in the Johannasburg airport waiting for my next flight. So many emotions and so many thoughts running through my head right now. Only a couple hours ago I said goodbye to my Lesotho family. And tomorrow I will get to see my family and friends after 8 months of being away. Flying out of Lesotho I kept thinking to myself, "I just don't know how this could be goodbye." A "see ya later" I can deal with. Its the goodbyes that stink. Its the "I don't know when I am coming back" that kills me. So for this final Lesotho blog post I am going to write a few letters to help me say goodbye.

Dear Lesotho, You are the most beautiful country I have ever seen. I love how so much of your land is untouched and untouristed (is that a word? ehhh we will go with it). Though you are small your culture is so rich. Your people are hospitable and always so joyful. Though your random speed bumps can be rather annoying and most of your people are crazy drivers, you always have an adventure in store. Thank you for welcoming me with open arms. I can't wait for the next time I get to walk on your soil. Kealeboha!  -Ausi Paige

Dear Beautiful Gate children, Seeing your reaction when you were told I was leaving today ripped me heart to shreds. Its  a good thing my dad was here to drag me out because I would've done anything to spend just a few more days playing, singing, and laughing with you. Thank you for keeping me young and teaching me to find joy in the tiny things. I will miss being called "Ausi Paige." I will miss walking into my house every morning and being smothered my your hugs. I will miss walking some of you to school and trying my best to stop you from eating the cat food. I will miss your beautiful faces. Keep singing and praising our Lord!   -Ausi Paige

Dear Geurink family, The things I see you doing for Beautiful Gate blow me away. You are so passionate about the work you are doing that which is contagious to us, volunteers. Thank you for making me your adoptive daughter/sister. I will miss Chuck nights, Carmel popcorn, Euchre, Redneck life, driving on closed roads (maybe), going to church with you, ball tag, and Anita's cole slaw.....but mostly just Anita's Cole slaw. :) haha. I pray that the Lord continues to work through you and gives you the patience and strength you need to finish your work there. I look forward to seeing you this summer!   -Ausi Paige

Dear current and former housemates, Thanks for putting up with this emotional 18 year old. I enjoyed your company and your encouragement. Even though at times we struggled with the shower or struggled to fit all of our food in fridge, we always seemed to make a good time out of it. I pray that wherever you are or end up the Lord blesses you and you would never forget Lesostho.   -Ausi Paige

Dear Beautiful Gate staff, You amaze me. Everyday I couldn't help but smile when I heard you singing around the houses and interacting with the kids. The Lord has blessed BG with so many people who are very passionate about their work. You have taught me many things, like how to take care of 60 kids, how to rejoice in every situation, and you even taught me some Basotho songs and dances. You became my family or the 8 months. It was so hard to say goodbye to you, but I know I will be back. Keep up the amazing work and you will forever be in my prayers. God bless you!   -Ausi Paige

Dear cats of Beautiful Gate, I never actually learned how to tell you all apart. I am home with my dog now and I think I almost prefer her over you 4. No offense. It would be great if you could stop climbing through windows and eating people's freshly made food because that is just rude. Take care of Faith and Mercy for me :)  -Ausi Paige

Dear Appletiser, WHY AREN'T YOU IN AMERICA? I AM GOING THROUGH WITHDRAW!   -Ausi Paige

Dear Terp, Keep it trill. You can do it. Its not impossible, you just need to stay focused.   -Ausi Paige

Dear Readers, Thank you for taking this journey with me. Your kind words and e-mails encouraged me so much. If I ever go back to BG I will keep posting on this same blog. I am also going to try to post once in a while even after I am back just to keep everyone updated of what the Lord is doing in my life and such. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!    -Ausi Paige

Dear God, Let YOUR name be praised! In my going and now my coming home. Let people see YOUR power and YOUR love as I share stories and experiences. You deserve every ounce of the glory and I ask you would help me stay humble and give all the glory to you. God, I get weak when think about all the amazing people you let me meet and all the amazing experiences you let me have. I am so unworthy. But I am thankful. Use me here, Lord. Give me the words to speak that would put a smile on your face. Your daughter loves you and trusts you. Thank you, Jesus.   -Ausi Paige

this day.

This day. No words to express its full beauty, but I will try to give you a little glimpse.

It started in a sunflower field. Literally. Prancing and dancing and snapping photos through a sunflower field on the side of the road in South Africa. Goofing around with the Geurink kids and trying to find THE perfect sunflower. I decided when I go home I am just going to dig up my whole backyard and fill it with sunflowers. I am sure the rents will be all for that. :)

Only a few minutes later I was sipping a cold homemade berry juice. A cool breeze on my arms and two women I love sitting on either side of me. Chatting, sipping, laughing. A final Living Life trip that was absolutely perfect.

Back at Beautiful Gate we had a goodbye ceremony for, my friend, Jenny. 5 times she has been to Lesotho now. I hope to be able say the same thing one day. Tears shed, scripture read, and cake was fed. Not looking forward to saying goodbye to my English friend tomorrow, but also happy to know she will be back.

After the ceremony we find out there is a police officer in the office. This officer fetched a child out of a latrine and brought her to Beautiful Gate. He happened to remember it was her birthday today. Him and his wife brought her 2 dresses and a doll as a gift. You would have thought it was their own child. "She is getting so big and she looks so healthy, she must be getting enough food", says the man with a smile on his face. Its the best feeling in the world knowing our children are loved and not just by our staff and volunteers.

Fools. Us Americans, made ourselves look like fools. Bryan realized he had Jenny's camera and we couldn't resist leaving a few surprise photos for her. Running around campus, seeing how many strange faces we can make, and laughing like there is no tomorrow. Seeing Jenny's reaction later that night was priceless.

(why do I make faces like this???)

Throwing kids around during play group. That always seems to be a highlight. Hearing the kids yell, "Ausi Paige!!" as they run up to greet me. Its not a normal afternoon at play group unless I have at least 5 kids crawling all over me. One is doing my hair, one is pinching my nose, one is showing me a trick, another just wants a cuddle. And I just love it.

Healing rain. The sun was still out yet the rain was pouring. Giving us a much needed chill after an extremely hot day. Dancing (literally) through the rain like its been years since the last down pour. Some BG kids join the fun and we even drag a house mother out too. Running, laughing, and screaming with the kids. Those moments were priceless. It was one of those times where I just wanted to freeze time.

"Holy Uncreated One..." A time of worship with the guitar and my gifted roomie, Terp. Watching the sunset, praising our Lord. He is the one who brought us all together. He is the one who brought us here.

Thank you Jesus for this unforgettable day.

peace and love.

you give and take away.

As I see the three caskets lowered into the ground there is one thing running through my head.....These caskets are too small. As I watch the Bo'Ntate bury the caskets I lift my eyes to the sky and thank Jesus for preparing a place for them with Him in heaven. The ceremony was beautiful. The hundreds of birds flying overhead were majestic. And, the Lord was present. There are not many more words to describe this morning.

After a morning of tears, we were able to rejoice when 2 new children were brought to BG. Seeing the house mothers meeting the new children for the first time is priceless. Its like they are seeing their own child that they haven't seen in a long time.

"You give and take away, you give and take away, my heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be your name!"

just a quick thought for now.

peace and love.